


More Bang for Your Buck

by rendezvous



Category: Persona 5
Genre: ... i havent been realizing very many things at all, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, THIS IS LIKE LEGIT BLASPHEMOUS I JUST REALIZED IM LAUGHING, i cant even begin to know how to tag this, i dont know where morgana went. i feel bad for leaving him out i didnt even realize til just now, ryuji has no indoor voice, yusuke is bizarre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 11:00:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10718061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rendezvous/pseuds/rendezvous
Summary: The Phantom Thieves take a break from stirring up trouble and stop at Big Bang Burger for lunch. But sadly, it seems a Phantom Thief's work is never done.Akira conquers yet another Challenge; Yusuke captures the essence of Akira and the culinary arts to pay tribute to 'a beautiful sight'; Makoto queasily tries to hold it together; Haru finds herself playing diplomat; Futaba finds herself playing instigator; Ryuji and Ann antagonize each other for no reason, and Akechi is lucky enough to only catch the tail end of it all.Spoiler-free!





	More Bang for Your Buck

**Author's Note:**

> Don't look at me, this wrote itself.

“Dude. Holy shit. I can’t believe you ate the whole thing…”

Akira held up a quivering hand in an effort to quiet Ryuji and the others. Something about Big Bang Burger’s food, no matter the portion, always sat like lead in his stomach. He was thrilled when he found out the almost certainly solid state of his arteries could be compensated.

… A cheap ¥800 medal likely plucked from an abandoned prize bin for children’s meals was compensation enough, right?

… Right?

“Does it still count if you barf right after? OW! Ann, holy shit, you almost scratched my eye out! What the hell?!”

“Sorry, forgot I had my nails done,” replied Ann in such a way that implied she hadn’t forgotten anything of the sort. “Oh, don’t be such a drama queen!” She rolled her eyes as hard as she could at Ryuji’s tender caressing of his reddened left cheek and the theatrical forlorn weeping that followed. “Gimme a _break_ … You okay, Akira?”

“It does,” Akira replied suddenly, lifting his head from his food tray in something of a grease-induced daze.

“Don’t mind me if I go blind,” wailed Ryuji from a distance, having gone to dispose of his own food – seeing Akira take on that monster of a burger had intimidated his own appetite into total submission.

“Shut _up!_ God! URGH!” Ann threw her head back and over the seat of their booth perhaps just as dramatically as Ryuji’s forlorn demands that Ann’s parents pay for his eye transplant bills. “Can’t you see he’s nauseated? Be quiet!”

Akira waved a hand in the air carelessly, opening his palm at just the right moment where the waitress had come to bestow upon him the restaurant’s most prestigious honor, the Captain Badge, of which he already had about two or three or seven, but kept accepting anyway for no real reason. Proof of his victories, and evidence of what killed him should he die in his sleep that night.

“Congratulations!” The waitress beamed, though a slight sliver of concern broke through her face just a tad. “That makes ten successful challenges! You’re officially Big Bang Burger’s first _Admiral!_ ”

“I hadn’t heard of such a ‘rank’ until now,” mused an impressed Yusuke.

The waitress’ smile might as well have been held in place by two thumbtacks. “Me either. _But,_ ” she said, bending down to meet Akira’s slumped-over gaze at eye level, “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you’ve brought in quite the following ever since you took on your first Challenge!”

“Following?” Akira’s voice was tired, muffled, a little surprised. “Why?”

“They wanna see you barf,” answered Futaba from behind a portable game console so large it barely fit in her tiny hands. “Brings in business. Sojiro used to have a King Curry Challenge just like this one a long time ago.”

Akira couldn’t help but laugh into his tray. “The hell? Are you serious?”

“Mhm. Took a _looooot_ of ribbing to get him to go through with it.”

“Ah, Akira, a little to the – yes, perfect, thank you! The sunset-filtered windows cast a victorious glow upon your person… A true sight to behold.” Yusuke had gone through four sets of crayons in a fervent effort to capture ‘the essence of gluttony’ onto the blank side of one of the cheap paper kids’ menus. “Hm… Whatever became of this ‘King Curry Challenge’?”

“Somebody barfed.” Futaba blew a stray hair out of her face, clutching onto that console for dear life.

Poor Haru must have jumped a foot in the air when Ryuji made his startling return, propping his jaw up on top of their booth. “Sh-Shit, sorry! Thought you heard me. Anyways, what’d I miss? Did’ya hurl yet?”

“Why does literally everyone I know right now want me to projectile vomit?” Akira half-yelled into his food tray.

By now, the waitress was nowhere to be seen.

Haru, having regained her composure, looked around their booth with a faint look of concern when her eyes met Makoto’s – kind of. Makoto had one hand shielding her eyes and her mouth covered by the other, looking a little pale, but otherwise unperturbed.

“U-Um…” Haru tapped her index fingers together just a _bit_ anxiously. “W-Would it be alright if we talked about something else? Perhaps Akira-kun would feel a little better if we did…”

Makoto mouthed a subtle “ _thank_ you” toward Haru without even opening her eyes.

“YES!” Yusuke cried, jumping up from his seat and knocking his stubbed crayons to the ground, proudly gazing upon whatever was his newest masterpiece. “Finally! The clouds… The radiant light breaking through and blanketing the subject… Possibly my biggest challenge in background composition yet…”

“Ooh, lemme see, lemme see!” Ann shoved past Ryuji to take a look at Yusuke’s work – he’d barely said a word the whole time they were eating, and even ignored his food altogether, too entranced in his enigmatic work of wax and, for some inexplicable Yusuke-reason, a downtrodden-looking Akira, to pay attention to anything else. Whatever it was, they were all dying to see it, having crowded around Yusuke’s side of their booth.

But Yusuke denied, throwing himself over their table to shield his art from prying eyes. “ _NO!_ Not yet! A piece crafted by way of a model should always be presented to said model before anyone else!” He closed his eyes, hummed softly. “It is prohibition born of respect! Gratitude! For a subject sitting in place for so long, so still, the very least one can do is –“

“Shut _UP_ , dude, God, just say it’s not done yet! We get it!” Ryuji somehow managed to shove Yusuke’s body off of the table and onto the ground, evidently not very concerned about the supposed artist-model relationship Yusuke was insisting on with quite literally every bone in his body. “Haha, nice! Whoah! Holy shit, dude, you did this all in _crayon?_ What the fu – wait. What the fuck?”

Ann at least took care not to trample a betrayed-looking Yusuke beneath her as she rushed for a look, herself. “Hey, I wanna see it too, y’know! Geez! It’s not that Venus thing again, is it? I – “ Ann stopped just as abruptly and perplexed as Ryuji had just moments earlier. “What… Yusuke? WHAT _IS_ THIS?”

“Yes, what is that?” Makoto echoed, still shielding her eyes, almost afraid to look.

“I-It’s… very… beautiful,” A shocked Haru managed from behind her palms. “Um… Your choices of mixed mediums are quite avant-garde, Yusuke-kun.”

Futaba raised her knees in her seat for a better view before guffawing. “Ugh! _Inari!_ I always knew you were a twisted weirdo!”

“I know not of how to respond to your critique,” lamented Yusuke, who, for some other Yusuke-reason, was still sprawled out over the floor, “But rest assured, I poured the absolute essence of my _being_ into this rendition! A time-honored classic! I would never dare to tarnish such a concept!”

“ _Oh_ , my God, I can’t take this anymore,” groaned Akira, finally lifting his head from his food tray. “How’d you outdo yourself _this_ time, Yusuke?”

A quick look at the artwork spread across their table told him everything he needed to know. And some things he would never need to know.

And a few things he wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to know.

Yusuke finally decided it was time to get up off the floor, having practically jumped into the air to catch a glimpse of Akira’s reaction in particular.

“What… is this supposed to be me?”

“INDEED!” Yusuke blurted so loudly it attracted the attention of anyone else in the restaurant who hadn’t been gawking at their group’s tomfoolery by now, “Seeing you take on such a gargantuan culinary challenge was a strike of inspiration unparalleled to even Zeus’ thunderbolt!”

“Stop saying all those big words and tell me why you drew me crucified on two straws and a tomato slice? Please?”

Futaba snickered. “Is _that_ what it’s supposed to be? Ew. Take a picture, Inari, it’s gonna go rotten soon!”

Yusuke didn’t seem to pick up on Futaba’s ribbing, as he immediately pulled out his phone to capture photos of his work from as many angles as he could in the middle of a fast food restaurant at five o’clock in the afternoon. After a few shoves and another disciplinary slap to the face from Ann, he turned his attention back toward Akira, staring at him expectantly.

Akira was at a loss for words. “I… I mean… It’s _definitely_ unlike anything you’ve ever made before...”

Yusuke beamed at Akira’s supposed approval. “Oh, thank you very much! I was simply so struck by your uphill battle with that burger that I… I…” He stared at his open palms, slowly clenching them into fists as dramatically as he possibly could, “I simply HAD to pay tribute!”

“ _Tribute?_ ” Ryuji scoffed. “Tribute to _what?_ You drew him dead in a desert of… of…” He looked over Ann’s shoulder for a clearer look, “Meat and lettuce!”

“YES!” Yusuke cried again, grabbing Ryuji by the shoulders and shaking him, “I knew you would understand such simple imagery!”

“Wh – _Simple?_ The hell’s _that_ supposed to mean?!”

Amongst the bickering, Akira turned Yusuke’s drawing closer to himself to take it all in.

Yeah… That was him, alright. Strung up on a cross made of soft drink straws, hunks of raw meat littering the landscape of what appeared to be lettuce. Yusuke had drawn at least _one_ thing approaching normal, and that was the sun… Oh, no, wait. If Akira looked close enough he could see the faint outline of the Big Bang Burger mascot sketched inside.

“The… The ketchup stigmata are supposed to be symbolic of capitalism…”

“Dude, I swear, you’re like a little kid playing with his food…”

Akira was somewhat shocked at Yusuke’s… _unique_ interpretation of crucifixion, but otherwise flattered, albeit in a bit of a confused way. He turned to look at Makoto, who had been uncharacteristically silent almost the entire time, and waved a hand in front of her face. “Hey. You _gotta_ see this.”

Though she still had her mouth covered and eyes shielded, the tugging at the corners of Makoto’s cheeks and a small chuckle were relieving confirmation that she wasn’t completely miserable. “I… I think it’s better if I leave it to my imagination.”

Akira took one final look at Yusuke’s work of art (it couldn’t be argued – how Yusuke could form a crown of thorns from two emptied mustard packets and a straw wrapper, he’d never know) and took a picture in silent agreement with Futaba, who’d long since returned to her game (“Hah! Get wrecked!”).

“It’s really cool, Yusuke,” Akira said, the sound of his voice effectively silencing all of his friends’ commotion, “Can I have it?”

“Of _course_ you may have it,” Yusuke gasped, instantly, giving Akira the impression that Yusuke was hoping he’d say that and was rehearsing a response in his head this whole time just in case, “It was an honor to summon your visage from these fine blades of wax!”

“JUUUUUST FUCKIN’ SAY _CRAYONS,_ ” Ryuji wailed, and that must have been the straw that broke the burger’s bun, for their waitress had lost patience with all the commotion, and reappeared to politely request their departure through gritted teeth.

 

\--- 

“You think we’re banned for life?”

“If we are, it’s YOUR fault for being such a loudmouth.”

“What?! You were _way_ louder than I was!”

“Tch, whatever.” Ann tossed Ryuji a French wave as she turned around for another hopeful look inside the restaurant, but was quickly snubbed by the disgruntled waitress closing the blinds in her face.

“Ugh… I didn’t even get to finish my fries.” She heaved a crestfallen sigh before glaring over her shoulder. “You owe us all lunch, Ryuji!”

“ME?!” Ryuji whirled around, nearly smashing face-first into a stoplight, “ _YUSUKE_ was the one who started it!”

“I thank you kindly for your recognition.”

“ARGH, that’s not what I meant!”

Akira looked up at the summery purple sky, blending in with the fairly quiet Makoto and Haru, two of the only people he knew who actually knew how to behave themselves in public. The day was hectic, sure, but _definitely_ unforgettable.

“Ah, daydreaming, I see?”

Akira blinked as he looked away from the sky, and blinked a second time when he found himself eye-to-eye with the ever-pleasant Goro Akechi, dressed casually trendy and donning that signature made-for-television smile. “Oh. Hey. What’s up?”

“Ahh… Nothing much, to be honest. I’ve reached an impasse with this homicide case and have, well… I don’t really have much to do, and I can get a little stir-crazy on occasion, so I figured I’d go out for what they call a ‘pub crawl’…” Akechi brought a gloved finger to his chin, furrowing his brow in what appeared to be slight disappointment. “… But… All things considered, I suppose it’s more of a ‘restaurant’ crawl, isn’t it?”

“Huh. What even is a pub crawl?”

Akechi smiled again. “Oh, it’s supposed to be quite fun! You essentially wander the streets and stop for a drink at every bar you pass until you’re written up for disturbing the peace.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at his own joke.

Akira raised his eyebrows and nodded. “That sounds like a great time. S’pecially with food.”

“Quite! It’s usually more of a group activity, though, of course.” Akira noticed Akechi’s smile fade just a touch, for just a second.

“That right? M’kay, then you should come do one with us sometime,” Akira offered, gesturing to his motley crew with his thumb. “Uh, I’m not sure if we can go _here_ anytime soon, though.” He didn’t have to be looking through the doorway to Big Bang Burger to feel the ‘please leave soon’ stare the waitress was surely boring into his back.

“Oh, dear.” Akechi took a moment to brush his bangs out of his face, looking vaguely concerned. “Why is that?”

“ ** _OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!_** ”

Akechi let out a shriek and nearly tripped facefirst into the sidewalk at the sudden sight of a small creature with an unsettling face three times too big for it hopping up and down in all directions, laughing maniacally as it clawed at the air.

“That’s why,” Akira said flatly. He looked over Akechi’s (still trembling) shoulder and called out to the creature – “Futaba, you promised to put that creepy mask away!”

“I promised no such thing!” came Futaba’s muffled, interestingly-satisfied reply.

“Yeah, you – Oh, shit, sorry.” Akira backed a few steps away from Akechi upon realizing that he was pretty much just screaming in his ear. “Uh, yeah, that’s…”

“ _Fucking_ hell,” Akechi muttered under his breath, bewildered – he clapped a hand to his mouth. “Oh, I’m so sorry, pardon my – “

“Relax. You’ll never be on par with Ryuji’s sailor mouth.”

Akira and Akechi’s exchange was cut short when the waitress stepped out of the restaurant and (mostly) politely asked them to leave immediately, lest she call the police for their disturbing the peace.

This was more than enough for everyone to scramble away in their own separate directions (Akira especially – “Gimme that mask! I need it more than you do!”), but not before a frantic exchange of “Seeya later!”s and a few more scattered expletives.

As he made his escape, Akira looked over in what he was pretty sure was Akechi’s general direction and waved him over – “NEXT TIME! HIT ME UP!” God, how did Futaba _see_ in this thing?

“Hit me… up?” Akechi cocked his head to the side as he watched Tokyo’s most underrated traveling circus scamper all about the street like frantic mice. Was that an invitation? Or should _he_ be the inviting party in this situation?

“MORE LIKE BIG _BANNED_ BURGER!” Somehow Futaba’s small voice was shrill enough to still be heard in the distance. Akechi couldn’t help a small chuckle.

Figuring he’d be grouped in with the others as a fast food troublemaker, Akechi briskly took his own leave, but not before catching a glimpse of one of the posters tacked to the wall of the establishment – ‘ _BIG BANG BURGER CHALLENGE: CAN YOU GUESS THE **SECRET INGREDIENT** OF OUR BRAND-NEW **WONDERBURGER**?_ ’

… Eh. He’d save that for the pub crawl.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a CRAZY fun time writing this! Felt like writing some more P5 to get the hang of everyone's voices, but it went way off the rails... Not that I'm complaining. I had to type SO fast just to keep up with Yusuke's shenanigans alone.
> 
> Hope you had as much fun reading as I did writing! (PS - Play with your food responsibly. Or not. Follow your heart)


End file.
